What do you do…

…when you have been so consumed with your own trivial life? With the meaningless everyday tasks that you must go through with? With the responsibilities that you are tied to? When you have been basically non-existent in their life… only to hear over the phone one day that your best friend has passed away???

How can I simply let go of something like this. I am filled with so much regret, sadness, and anger. I wish I had been a better friend. I wish I was half the person my best friend was. But most of all, I wish I could bring her back.

Well, I realize that I can’t bring her back, but I refuse to let her go from my heart, my thoughts, and my memory. I am trying so hard to cope with this pile of nonsense that has suddenly fallen in my lap. How did it happen? I have no idea. Could I have done something to prevent it? I have no idea…

Dear Veronica,

It would be impossible for me to describe to you what and how much you meant to me, but I will try, and hopefully there is some sort of internet connection up above through which you can receive my message. You are a phenomenal human being in every sense of the word. Your kindness, compassion, generosity, and warmth have changed my life. I met you when I was in a time of darkness and was dealing with my own demons, but you lifted my spirits higher than I could have ever imagined!

You are also undoubtedly one of the most intelligent, culturally-rich, and creative individuals I have ever known. I know that you would have done wonderful and great things in the world. And what a shame it will be to not have you here, our world could certainly use someone with your intellect and ethical reasoning.

Saying goodbye to you is one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do in my life, but I hope with all my heart that you are in a much better place… a place of peace, serenity, and eternal happiness.

I want to thank you so much for all of the happiness that you have brought to my life. You have helped me at my most desperate times, you have been there when I needed it most, and you have offered me hope when times seemed almost hopeless.

I know this is not much, but I want to dedicate my thesis to you. You have always cared and fought so hard for the equal rights of all people and so I feel that this paper and my topic will hopefully serve your name justice.

Thank you for being an incredible inspiration and part of my life. I am deeply sorry that I wasn’t there for you more; I wish I could and would have been a better friend.

I love you dearly, always.

Maria

Fresh Beginnings

My body feels terrible; I have been eating so poorly lately. Tomorrow, I will begin eating healthier and eating tons more fresh greens, colorful veggies, and fresh fruit. I will begin the gluten-free, vegan transformation!

193.4

Wow – Check out that weight!!! I am already back to my “standard” weight. Now, let the real weight loss begin! I am so happy & proud of myself. Today will be my 4th day on HSGD & I am allowed a whopping 1,000 calories. However, since I went far over on Day 1 (where I was allowed 900 calories & instead had 1,261 calories), then I have decided to make today 900 calories. Then, I will only have 261 calories to make up.

I had my favorite strawberry jam for breakfast today & it tasted like pure heaven! It’s amazing how my taste buds were all over that. Mmm… I think that will be my replacement for chocolate and my little sweet treat, but for breakfast only!

Breakfast: 1 slice wheat bread + cream cheese + strawberry jam + 1/2 cup of blueberries = 251 calories (yayy!!! It was quite the tasty one & less than 300 calories!)

Lunch: TBD…

Day 3

As lame as this sounds, this is actually the farthest I have gotten on a diet/healthy lifestyle change in a long time, and it’s only been 3 days! Nonetheless, I am so proud of myself. I have had at least 1 intense feeling of craving a day. Today while in the public library, I was obsessing in my mind over cheeseburgers – it was so pathetic. Then, I randomly looked to my side and noticed a cd/dvd labelled with the last name of a boy that I really like but feel is out of my league. That was definitely a sign to stay strong! I don’t ever want to feel that I am “below” somebody, it certainly kills the confidence.

Breakfast: Blueberries + 1 slice wheat bread + spices + cream cheese + oil = 270 calories

Lunch: Mixed Greens Salad with feta, avocado, & kalamata olives = 389 calories

Dinner: Mixed Greens Salad with peach & dutch gouda

Total: 944 calories; goal was 900 calories, but I’m not being too strict since I’m also counting fruits + veggies (which the HGSD says not to count)

Eating Clean.

I am doing a number of things differently this time. I am “eating clean”, eating REAL foods rather than processed junk. I do allow myself cheese and some other dairy products, but no pre-packaged foods. Also, I need to focus on increasing my vegetable intake, something I have struggled with all my life. I am going to compile a list of easy, fast, & healthy vegetable recipes and put them in a favorites folder on my computer.

I also need to remember why I am doing this. In the past I had focused on the vanity aspect of weight loss. It is very difficult to tell yourself that it is for health purposes when you are young & naive. However, I do have a very good reason for doing this now, one that will help me stay motivated: I want to feel more confident. I have always had some self-loathing due to my continuously heavy weight and I am so sick of it. I deserve better for myself!

Also, I have learned from my mistake yesterday… I will be eating breakfast EVERY DAY now. Granted it can be small (& probably should be), I just need to make sure that I am eating often… keep that metabolism up!

Today I am allowed 800 calories, and I will surely use them wisely!!!

Breakfast: 1/2 cup of Blueberries + 1/2 Mango (total: 109 calories)

Lunch: 1 slice wheat bread + cream cheese + 1 egg sunny-side up + flax oil (300 calories)

Dinner: Chicken + Steamed Broccoli + Mashed Potatoes + Dried Prunes (417 calories); I should not have eaten the mashed potatoes, those accounted for a whopping 220 calories!!!)

Total: 826 calories; My goal was 800 calories, but when you subtract the fruits+veggies from my intake, I would be right on target. I still have much room for improvement though, seeing as how I have technically gone over my allowed calories on day 1 & day 2.

199.2

I’m starting over. This is the summer… I am going to lose weight, feel better, study harder, and overall become a more confident person.

I am going on HSGD starting today; I have 900 calories for today.

Breakfast: nothing

Lunch: a whopping (but healthy) 581 calories while eating with my parents (salmon + broccoli + black beans + vanilla yogurt)

Dinner: Ughh… I had 1 large pear + 1 slice wheat bread + strawberry preserve + cream cheese, and then… a large drink (alcoholic). The drink is what really killed it – I imagine that it was at least 300 calories. That puts dinner at 680. 😦

Total: 1,261 calories // 361 calories over my goal.

Don’t talk to me like I’m insane, it makes me hate you more. I am not a crazy person.

Moonrise Kingdom

What a beautiful movie.

(Bill Murray is quite the good looking man.)

Summer is here!

I am so excited for this summer vacation!!! I will be doing an internship [with physical labor –which I really want] in environmental conservation work in Nevada – whoo hoo! Also, I might be going to Minnesota for a Board Meeting for a non-profit organization. Then, I also have an extensive reading, studying to do for the GRE, and an independent research project to complete; so it’s going to be a busy summer. (There is also a slight possibility that I might be attending a conference in Chicago!)

My days shall be filled with productivity, learning, and relaxation. I am so excited to be able to spend some time with my mom and to shift my mind onto educational projects that interest me.

I realize, I am such a nerd. My love for Sociology and Sociological/Philosophical literature is all too amusing.

… and I will read my textbooks for class, and work on my independent research project…

I will do all of the things that I have neglected, for I know my responsibilities now and no longer will I feel ashamed for my constant torpor. I want to learn, to be proud, to feel accomplished, and to do well.

I want to go to Yale.